When, not IF, We Fight

There are plenty of things that cause fights and disagreements in marriage. From anything as simple as where the toothbrushes are kept all the way up to the major issues like how to discipline children or spend/save money.  So when my college girls ask for dating advice I start with this: “Find someone who makes you better (a better friend, daughter, leader, and human) and who you can fight well with.

Let’s be honest, we all have some sort of dysfunction from our family upbringing when it comes to dealing with conflict.  And even if you don’t think you have dysfunction, you will almost always have different “rules” around conflict than the person you are with- which means, in their eyes, you are dysfunctional! Now, when I talk about conflict “rules,” I am merely talking about the uncommunicated, and often unnoticed, expectation that we believe everyone should feel and act like us in every situation.   

I remember the first time I thought Jeff was crazy.  And by “crazy” I mean that he did things “wrong,” and by “wrong” I really mean different.  I don’t even know if we were officially dating at the time, but I was at his parents house and we were about to leave. He politely said he needed to talk to his dad about something real quick and walked to the next room. I overheard the conversation, and while I don’t remember what it was about I remember the look of confusion on my face that prompted a, “what’s that look for?” from Jeff when he walked back in.  

“Why did you yell at your dad like that?” I said.

“What are you talking about, I wasn’t yelling at all!”

“Are you kidding me, you were so rude. There is no way I would be able to talk to a parent that way.”

“What way? You really think I was yelling?!... Hey dad, was I yelling at you?”

From the other room, “What?! Yelling?” He poked his head around the corner, “No, we were just working out the details.”

(insert dropped jaw here).

I mean, I thought that I was pretty direct… and then I met Jeff.

Shocker, we communicated differently, we had different experiences, different standards of “normal” and that did not change when we said I do. That was something we had to talk about, fight through, and work out year after year in our marriage. Over the years we have gotten much counsel about how to communicate more effectively in our relationship, and I honestly think we have made each other deal with conflict in an overall healthier way. We have made each other better, challenged each other in areas, and smoothed out each others rough edges a bit. I have helped him to see the necessity of a more gentle approach and he has taught me the need of specificity when it comes to communicating my needs and desires clearly, because men- apparently- aren't’ mind readers!

And here it is.  With every conflict we have the opportunity to build a wall or a bridge.  Steven Furtick gave a great visual in a message on relationships. In fact, it is so worth watching I am sharing it below. But what we choose to do with the tension in our marriage, the offense that takes place, that is up to us. Will we build a fence with our offense, will we drop it, or will we use the wreckage to build a bridge? When we fight, not if, but when, how do we lean in and grow? Will we remain stubborn in our family of origin’s way of thinking and acting, or will we become a new family with our spouse? It is so easy to get stuck in our own way of thinking, but I want to encourage us all, and remind myself, that good growth doesn’t happen by accident. Like any sport or skill, improvement takes good coaching, intentional practice, and a lot of repetition. Have some grace with yourself, with your spouse, get some good coaching, and lean into growth together.