Yelling at God

Have you ever had a yelling match with God? Has your pain, desperation, or anguish been so deep that the words either come out in choked sobbs or blood curdling screams? 

What was it for you?

Was it the loss of a loved one? A tragic accident, a misarriage, or a betrayal? Was it watching someone you love suffer? A diagnosis, mental illness, or a wayward child? Did they tell you they don’t love you anymore and want a divorce? Maybe you thought you were cheated out of something you worked so hard for. Maybe it was the blatant injustice in the world that had you reeling in pain. Did you lose your job, or house, or freedom? Where you treated as “less than” and pushed aside...again? Were you disowned? Is your family no longer on speaking terms? Did you see the violence taking place? Were you abused? 

The longer we are alive, the longer the list gets and the more pain we see and come in contact with. When we really think about it, we know life is not all cupcakes and rainbows, but that does not mean we don’t expect it to be! 

We all have expectations for our lives. The only issue is, we don’t always know that we have those expectations until we find ourself disappointed.  Every disappointment is an unmet expectation or shattered dream. Many of these dreams and expectations never get words put to them, even once they are gone. When we lose a loved one to death, or divorce; or even if a person changes greatly due to an illness, we realize that the life we had played out in our head and the hopes or our heart is no more. Even if we know it will “one day be Ok” it does not change the depth of pain, grief and loss we feel. 

One of the hardest things about being in ministry is the amount of suffering you see up close. Jeff and I WISH the bible was like a band-aid that would just make us feel better and stop the bleeding, but then there are verses like John 16:33 where Jesus actually promises this world to have trouble! Sometimes we walk into situations so bleak, all we can do is show up, but people still often look to us for answers. Sometimes we try to give encouragement, sometimes we soak up the tears. In other cases, when the situation is self-perpetuated, we are asked to be the voice of truth (sometimes that is wanted, but it usually doesn’t feel great). We are at bedsides just after birth and again at death. We are called upon in some of the messiest situations and deepest hardships of people’s lives. 

In these situations people often describe their circumstances as a pit or valley. We want the mountain top experience again, the place where the air feels clear and the view is stunning. In the depths it is sometimes so dark, it is hard to make out the next step. But the strangest thing is that many people in the deepest pits of their life often tell us they feel closer to God. So what if we have this whole thing flipped? What if the valley’s are really the peaks, and the peaks are really the valleys? What if we see these newfound, yet devastating “peaks” as God’s evidence of His grace. Afterall, he knows how to walk through pain, He has lost His child, had His father turn His back on Him, been betrayed by his closest friends, cheated on by the people of His covenant, persecuted, mocked, isolated, pushed aside. He lived poor and marginalized as a child. He knows what it’s like to continually be rejected. He even knew depression and I think had a bought with suicidal thoughts. In the garden, before his arrest, He said to his Disciples, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matt 26:38). He was so anxious, he sweat blood! To Him, death would hurt so much less than separation from God even for the brief moments God the Father turned His back on Him at the cross. Yet Jesus, in the deepest valley of all History- the crucifixion- created THE MOST beautiful story ever told. His deepest Valley was our greatest hope. 

Maybe we have it backwards, because it seems to me that it is in the valleys that we learn the most, feel the most, and eventually grow the most.  I am not saying we slap a smile on our face and pretend we are “blessed indeed,” but I am advocating to “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4). Joy does not look like an instagram filtered smile and a cliche quote comeback, joy looks like hope in the midst of despair. So to those who feel like you are stuck in a valley right now, Jesus is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He has been there and even worse. He will take as long as you need to walk through it, and if you trust Him, he is even able to use your darkest moments, like His own, to create the most beautiful story.