Social Distance- Emotional Closeness

I went to drop off a birthday present to my friend the other day and instead of giving her a hug and going inside. We met out front and I said, “I’ll just drop it here and when I walk away you can pick it up.” Social distancing totally sucks! 

As a human, our DNA is wired for connection. Physiologically, infants experience failure to thrive when they do not have physical connection with adults. Psychologically, missing healthy attachment in childhood creates mental, emotional, and even sometimes physical delays in development. And after reading a few more books on the topic, I would argue that if we don’t maintain healthy connections in adulthood we will also live devastating consequences. 

We all need to be seen, known, and loved; but people really seem to have a hard time accepting that and living that out on a daily basis.  Before COVID-19, the average person would welcome social closeness while rejecting emotional closeness. We would choose acquaintances and shallow conversation in the “comfortable” range over the deep, sometimes challenging, conversations that are the building blocks for trust and true connection. We have a tendency to keep to ourselves, and only share little pieces with others because we are too busy, we don’t want to burden anyone, or we are embarrassed. 

Well, if you ask me, those excuses are sounding less valid these days. With “Stay Home” or “Lockdown” policies in place all throughout the world, many people have the time. We are all experiencing similar challenges, so many people are more empathetic and there is less risk in embarrassment. All this forced social distancing is exposing the ineffectiveness of shallow relationships and forcing some level of emotional depth where there was previously none. If you now find yourself working from home, how many co-workers did you have over for dinner before COVID-19? How many people have you brought digitally into your home in this past week? Bringing our co-workers into our living rooms, kitchens, and “offices'' while our kids “go to school” right next to us creates a level of transparency we have never before seen at work. 

However, our work relationships are not the only ones where we recognize the lack of depth. Unfortunately, many people started working from home and realized they have little to no connection with their spouse or children. Maybe they already knew that, but now it’s just way more uncomfortable because you feel the distance all day long. Maybe these relationships have filled every moment with anything and everything to avoid conversations. That must be a terrible feeling. Maybe this can help change that. You have likely heard the saying- people won’t change until the discomfort of staying the same outweighs the discomfort of change. So I hope this distance gets so uncomfortable that people choose to lean into the challenging conversation and the short term discomfort that will eventually bring positive hopeful lasting change. Maybe now is the time couples start counseling via Skype or Zoom or another online platform. 

My hope in this time is that people are equally practicing social distance and emotional closeness. I hope that people can open up to each other like they never would have before, that relationships can take all this extra time together to actually be together and heal those long neglected areas. I pray that people are not isolated and overtaken by fear, but that they reach out and share with people what is really going on. 

So maybe in addition to all those “see… do..” challenges going around the world, we can start a “get a conversation, give a conversation.” Call someone, have a meaningful conversation, check in on them and then send the ripple of connection around the world.